Methadone side effects, pregnancy, methadone taper, methadone maintenance treatment, substance abuse, recovery

Methadone Maintenance and Apathy

       It has been a long time since I’ve updated this and I wanted to check in, especially because I just had a new article published on TheFix.com.  Things have been going really well to be completely honest.  This baby is growing so fast and I am much bigger now than I ever was with my first tiny human.  I feel bad complaining about my big healthy baby that squirms around constantly so I’m going to stop now. 

        This pregnancy has made me realize one really important thing:  Once he is here, I am ready to begin the journey to get off of methadone.  Two years ago if asked, I would’ve said that I wanted to be on it for life.  Some people are and that is totally okay.  They found something that works incredibly well for them and they are smart enough to not mess with success.  I will be starting my taper once I am completely stable after the birth of the baby.  It takes awhile for hormones to even out and I need to make sure that I am in a good place mentally.  It might take a year, it might take a few….I just don’t know.  I wanted to mention why I think I’m ready for this process:  I am experiencing some apathy and I miss my sex drive. 

        Lack of a sex drive is something that almost every methadone patient complains about.  I am not really going to go into detail about how it’s diminished compared to when I first met my husband out of respect for the privacy we value in our marriage so I’m going to be vague.  It sucks.  I feel like I’m missing out on all of the wonderful things that we got to experience together during the first year of our relationship.  He’s been more than patient with me but something has to change. 

        The apathy is something that has been bothering me recently too.  It’s something that I’ve kind of pushed down for awhile but it’s definitely there.  With any drug that you take, prescription or not, you are emotionally numb in a way.  I’m not talking full blown sociopath or anything comparable but the listless energy that you feel while medicated gets kind of old after awhile.  I was grateful for it in the beginning because, like a lot of addicts, I was emotionally impulsive.  I would make bad decisions out of sentiment and want to recreate the way I felt years ago.  I am also not implying that everyone on MMT experiences this.  Your loved one is still your loved one, they aren’t a shell of a person and there is nothing wrong with experiencing this.  This is just a side effect and one that I was grateful for in the beginning.  I also need to stress that I am considered a long-term patient and this is a cumulative side effect that I’m experiencing.  I needed to be leveled out and put into a place where I could slow myself down slightly.  My situations have changed since my addiction too and I am looking forward to being able to be a little more impulsive in a good way.  (There is such a thing as good impulsive right?)  Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not an apathetic robot.  I cried uncontrollably when my son was born and even looking at him now makes my heart smile.  I just want to be able to enjoy the human experience a little bit more and in an unmedicated responsible way.