The Jerk At The Clinic

 I have been working on taking care of myself and my mental health lately and I happily would like to report that I am much better and have a hopeful outlook on my life and my recovery.

I have been clean now for 4 years (still on methadone) and have transferred clinics.  It was a nerve wracking experience because I was worried that I was going to have to start over.  Having to go into a clinic every day and wait in line after taking your medicine at home is probably the worst fear that I've had in a long time.  In a way it kind of erases all of erases all of the progress that you have made.  I was told by the intake doctor that I was one of the few success stories that he has seen and instead of feeling pride.....I felt sad.  

I sat in an orientation class that was required by my new clinic and there was this guy in there that just kept saying things like "You are all going to be trapped here, methadone is legal heroin" and "Everyone that's on it is nodding out all day".  I wanted to sit there and keep to myself and just get through the next hour but the misinformation that he was giving everyone that was in this class was harmful.  I told him that he was completely wrong and that it's absolutely possible to live a productive life and to accomplish everything that you want.  You don't have to come to the clinic every day once you have a little bit of clean time and you certainly won't be falling asleep all day if you are at a therapeutic dose.  He wanted to argue with me and question why I was still there and I feel like by the end I was able to show him that the information that he was giving everyone was wrong.  

I am sad that so many people still think that people that take methadone are a certain way.  Some people are still getting high and are only taking it to stay out of withdrawal, this is true. (Notice how I said some people?"  That's what I did for five months.  Guess what else is true?

It is completely possible to have a successful life while taking a daily dose of methadone

You can graduate from college (I did!)

You can be a good parent

You can take your methadone at home if you just pass a few drug tests

You won't fall asleep all day.

You can regain the trust of your family that you have destroyed in your addiction

I wanted to write all about how I am overcoming a sugar addiction as well (thanks methadone!) but I guess I'll save that for another post.  I hope that everyone is having a wonderful New Year's Day and that they are getting the support that they need.  If you need additional support, my email is always open.  There is also a reddit group, (just search r/methadone) that has a huge group of people that can answer your questions about starting treatment or helping a loved one that is struggling.  There are also tons of articles about methadone maintenance and support groups on ZOOM now.  I'll link those too!

A Quick Update and a Relapse Story

 So, I just realized that it has been three months without an update and I feel really bad about it.  I am going to try to post twice a week for the rest of the month since the number of people reading has increased as well.  

Anyways, I hope that everyone is doing well during the pandemic.  I remember when the news broke about it, methadone message boards were flooded with panicked questions about what we will do when the clinics shut down.  I remembered talking to my husband about sending him to go find me some methadone so that I could function if martial law ever came about and the country went up in flames.  I feel like everyone has had some kind of doomsday conversation with their spouse at some point.  In all reality, I'd probably just be in for a hell of a bad time.  

On another less ominous note, I am weeks away from finishing my medical billing degree!  I never thought that I would be doing something so....boring?  I don't want to offend anyone who does this as a career because I will be too, but I just really can't seem to focus on anything in class.  It might not be as bad for other students but I'm convinced that years and years of IV drug abuse has ruined parts of my brain.  I have had trouble focusing and remembering things that I've read so I've really been struggling during this whole program.  I miss working on an ambulance but that was in another life.  

My one and only relapse took place about four weeks after I had quit using.  I was with my partner at the time (he's now my husband) and we went on an overdose call.  It was for a girl that had gotten high as she was getting ready to take a shower and was found by her mother.  She had gotten a nice hotel for her and her daughter that weekend.  Her mother had no idea that she was an addict.  The mom looked like my mom and the overdose girl looked like me ten years ago.  She even put together two shots for herself.  This was identical to many of my setups back in the day.  I would have two shots ready for myself, one before my bath and one after.  Looking back, it's a wonder that I never drowned in the bathtub.  I would shoot up sitting cross legged on the toilet in my towel and then go and basically take a nap in the tub.  Then, when I got woken up because I had been in there forever, I would do my other one.  

Anyways, we show up to this call and the girl is sitting on the toilet in a towel with the fire department ventilating her so that she can breathe and I'm looking at the loaded syringe on the bathroom counter.  I thought that I had been doing so well in my sobriety but seeing that girl being thrown back to life and then seeing that loaded syringe gave me the deepest sense of longing.  I know that it doesn't compare very well but imagine being on day two of a low carb diet and then having the world's most beautiful cheesecake set in front of you.  This cheesecake has white chocolate shavings and caramel drizzle and there is a huge serving fork waiting for you to dive in.  Now, imagine that feeling and multiply it by a thousand.  That was what caused me to relapse.  I wanted to be that girl feeling so marvelous and warm again, forgetting the years of hell that I just escaped.

So, I relapsed.  I used that very night.  When we left the call (the girl was fine, they gave her narcan and took her to the hospital), that was all that I thought about and my brain wasn't calm until I was sticking a needle in my arm in front of an ex boyfriend.  The joke was definitely on me because I had been on methadone for about five months at that point.  I believe that I was on about 90 milligrams and the opiate receptors in my brain were full from my medication, so when I shot up........I made myself tired.  It was the equivalent of taking a handful of Tylenol PM and taking a shower in the deepest guilt ever manufactured by some guy in Detroit.  It was not worth it.  

That night, I kept it a secret from the man that I loved and went on to marry.  I fell asleep next to him hoping that he didn't notice I was a little off.  I kept my secret for about a year until I broke down and told him.  He was sad and told me that he wished I felt safe enough to tell him back then.  All that I accomplished was self loathing.  That was the last time I used.....and that was four years ago next month.  

So yeah, I will happily take the monotony of medical billing over EMS any day.

A Super Long Overdue Update

I am attempting to do an entry on my phone but it's proving to be quite difficult for someone who's not so technically versed.

Hell, I can't even get my comments to work. 

Anyways, some pretty amazing things have happened.  For one, I had my baby!  I really thought that I could never ever love anyone like I love my toddler but I am completely captivated by this 10lb fat potato man.  Babies are so weird.  They are so fat and squishy and happy and you just want to do everything you can to protect them.  It's a COMPLETELY different kind of love.

I wrote about my "Methadone Pregnancy" on The Fix with my first child but decided to keep this one a little more private.  It's not easy going into an OBGYN's office and talking to them about the addictive medication that you are STILL taking and that you decided to stay on it and have another child.  There's tons of judgement....TONS.  

Nobody was outwardly rude or anything to me except for one occasion and I can't get it out of my head.  Picture this:

I am on the hospital bed in the delivery room with my husband at my side and I'm scared because I'm not really sure when to push.  There are a million people in the room because I chose to give birth at a teaching hospital.  Three big pushes and a sweet messy baby is placed on my chest.  I am in the most euphoric state looking down at this perfect human that we made.  The moment is perfect. A resident doctor comes up to me, leans over me holding little human and says, "What are you doing for birth control??"  Seriously.....moments after I had a baby.  The last thing on my mind was what manner of contraception I was planning to use.

Now, I'm not sure if she had one job and was super excited to execute it.  I'm not sure if she wanted to make sure that this former drug addict on methadone didn't have any more babies.  I'm not sure if she was just completely tactless but with a good heart.  I do know that this moment has stuck with me.  Now there is this sadness associated with his delivery.

Maybe I am overreacting but I really dont think so....especially because she came back and asked me again once we were settled.  D'oh.  Nice work lady.

I will say though that Baby Boy got and I got to go home two days after he arrived and he didn't have any withdrawal symptoms.  He did not have any need for medication and didn't spend any time in the NICU either.  I braced for the worst, I really did.  I had to stay an extra day though because I wouldnt stop bleeding and needed a transfusion.  I'll write all about that in my next post though because I'm starting to ramble.  

As an obligatory note,  I will say that I had no issues whatsoever receiving my methadone in the hospital.  The doctor looked at one of my bottles and put in the order, that was it really.  I also recieved buttloads of fentanyl through my epidural for my procedure after delivery which did not change my status at the clinic.  I just brought my paperwork stating that I had been given narcotics with me to nullify a failed drug test.

If there are any questions regarding my delivery or if you are looking for resources please email me.  I know that this blog is getting more views so I should really figure out how to fix my comments.

Until next time ❤❤❤