The Jerk At The Clinic

 I have been working on taking care of myself and my mental health lately and I happily would like to report that I am much better and have a hopeful outlook on my life and my recovery.

I have been clean now for 4 years (still on methadone) and have transferred clinics.  It was a nerve wracking experience because I was worried that I was going to have to start over.  Having to go into a clinic every day and wait in line after taking your medicine at home is probably the worst fear that I've had in a long time.  In a way it kind of erases all of erases all of the progress that you have made.  I was told by the intake doctor that I was one of the few success stories that he has seen and instead of feeling pride.....I felt sad.  

I sat in an orientation class that was required by my new clinic and there was this guy in there that just kept saying things like "You are all going to be trapped here, methadone is legal heroin" and "Everyone that's on it is nodding out all day".  I wanted to sit there and keep to myself and just get through the next hour but the misinformation that he was giving everyone that was in this class was harmful.  I told him that he was completely wrong and that it's absolutely possible to live a productive life and to accomplish everything that you want.  You don't have to come to the clinic every day once you have a little bit of clean time and you certainly won't be falling asleep all day if you are at a therapeutic dose.  He wanted to argue with me and question why I was still there and I feel like by the end I was able to show him that the information that he was giving everyone was wrong.  

I am sad that so many people still think that people that take methadone are a certain way.  Some people are still getting high and are only taking it to stay out of withdrawal, this is true. (Notice how I said some people?"  That's what I did for five months.  Guess what else is true?

It is completely possible to have a successful life while taking a daily dose of methadone

You can graduate from college (I did!)

You can be a good parent

You can take your methadone at home if you just pass a few drug tests

You won't fall asleep all day.

You can regain the trust of your family that you have destroyed in your addiction

I wanted to write all about how I am overcoming a sugar addiction as well (thanks methadone!) but I guess I'll save that for another post.  I hope that everyone is having a wonderful New Year's Day and that they are getting the support that they need.  If you need additional support, my email is always open.  There is also a reddit group, (just search r/methadone) that has a huge group of people that can answer your questions about starting treatment or helping a loved one that is struggling.  There are also tons of articles about methadone maintenance and support groups on ZOOM now.  I'll link those too!

Unpleasant Things.....

My husband and I discuss quite often the life that we will have when I am off of methadone.  Don't get me wrong, it's not like it is something that affects my daily life.  He takes me to the clinic once every two weeks and I pick up my medicine.  But sometimes ....I notice that I've been medicated for almost four years.

People that advocate for access, like myself, don't like to talk about the "bad parts".  They aren't really disclosed because: 

1. Addicts that walk into a methadone clinic most of the time don't care about most side effects, they are just happy to not chase a dealer around and to not be sick.

2.  The people writing out the side effects aren't patients.  They haven't experienced forgetting things and needing a nap for no reason....little things like that.

I wanted to make a list of all of the not-so-savory parts of being on maintenance medication, because hey....it's good for someone to say "I'm going through this too" right?

1.  First there is clinic life....sounds lovely right?  When I first got clean I had to go to this place, wait in line, and follow all of these rules.  I understand why these rules are in place, to teach accountability and whatnot, but when you've had almost 4 years clean....having to pee in front of someone for a monthly drug test is pretty grounding.  

2.  Being tired.  I have a lot going on in my life so this one is a little biased, but I know that I would definitely be less tired off of methadone.  Given, I would also be less tired if I didn't have a 2 month old baby, were breastfeeding, and if I slept through the night.  Also, my dose is too high and I'm waiting for the clinic to catch up with weight loss and metabolism changes.

3.  Sex drive.   Or lack thereof.   What is a sex drive?  I don't know, I forgot. I hate this side effect the most.

4.  Memory loss.  I have experienced so much of this and is secretly my main reason for wanting to be off.  My husband will want stories from my childhood and I can't give him any.  I forget about things that we've discussed the week prior. Things from before my methadone use are just hazy.   It doesn't affect my daily life like, "where did I leave my child?" But little details are just.....gone.

Will they come back? I hope so

5. Apathy.  A lot of people don't realize that they've become apathetic until some awful tragedy strikes and they're just sitting there, not crying or even really upset and they wonder what's wrong with them.  Nothing is wrong my friend, you are just simply medicated. 

Finally

6. Fear.  This is something that EVERYONE deals with at the clinic.  Will my insurance be cut off today?  Will I make it there on time?  Will I be flagged for some reason and my dose withheld?  Will that poppyseed bagel that I enjoyed at brunch last weekend cause me to fail a drug test?  The complete powerlessness that I've felt at times is unreal.  You can do everything right, pass every drug test, go to counseling, and be on good terms with the staff.......but if your insurance gets cut off and you don't have cash that day-I'm sorry, you're sick. Thank you come again. 

 I actually had the door shut in my face once when I was 8 months pregnant at 9:59.  I had raced to get there in a snowstorm and I ran up to the door and the receptionist closed it, clicked the lock, and smiled.  This was someone that I had said hello to every morning and genuinely asked about her life on a regular basis.  I was broken, shattered, faith in humanity=gone.  There were even people still in line on the other side of the door that were pointing and laughing at me.  I remember that event very well because the fear that I had from not being able to get my medicine that day smacked me in the face.  My boyfriend at the time had to witness a full on tantrum complete with tears and a whole lot of swearing.  Thankfully he was understanding and married me despite my episode.

I know that I've listed a lot of negative things here about methadone maintenance but in reality, I would not have gotten clean if this treatment option was not available to me.  I would not be a mother, a wife, and a productive member of society.  I'm not the only one either.  I have read countless stories of people that have gone from homeless to homeowner with friends and the trust of their family back.  You have to take the bad with the good I guess.  

I also wanted to add that I might have left off a few side effects and I might have included some that you don't experience at all.  I was simply just including the things that have affected me.  

Let me know if I've left anything out.

Until next time ❤