The Girl At The Methadone Clinic....I See You Struggling

To the Girl at The Methadone Clinic that I know is Struggling….

I go to a methadone clinic that is five minutes away from my apartment, which is AWESOME.  That wasn’t always the case.  I used to drive 45 minutes to an hour Every.Single.Day.  It was really rough and the few times that I didn’t make it on time I had the door locked in my face.  Maybe they did it to teach me about punctuality and personal accountability, but it just made me mad at the time.  How am I off topic already?  Ha. Pregnancy brain has me unfocused and it’s obnoxious.

I really just wanted to tell a short story.  So, there’s this girl that I see every time I go into the clinic to pick up my medication.  I go every two weeks and I think that she is there almost every day because I never see her with a box.  (A lockbox is required if you take medication home with you).  Basically, if you don’t see someone with a box, then they are probably newly sober or getting over a relapse.  This isn’t always the case but for the majority it is.  Most of the time, my husband comes into the clinic with me and he’ll play with our toddler in the lobby while I meet with my counselor and wait in line to get my medication.  He got into a conversation with a girl that had been going to school where he attended and now every time we see her we say hello. 

        There is something about addicts that never goes away:  We can spot our own and we know when someone is high.  I guess it’s due to having to be so self-aware in our addictions?  I’m not sure what the reason is for it, but we can tell if someone is sober.  It’s like, the lamest superpower ever.  Anyways, for the past few months I would see her bouncing around the lobby friendly and awake.  She would have her hair done and clean clothes and most importantly:  she was awake.  I always liked talking to her, but we never exchanged information or tried to hang out.  It might sound hypocritical, but I can’t spend time with other addicts.  I just can’t.  I know myself and I don’t want to romanticize the “good parts” of my past with someone else like me.  I know that my husband appreciates it and it’s what has kept me clean for three years.  I see this girl in the line to get dosed about a month ago and she looks rough.  She was barely awake, in sweatpants that were half on her body, shuffling against the wall and she had no idea where she was.  It hurt my heart.  I waved to her and she looked right at me and had no idea who I was.  I left and saw her again two weeks later when it was time for me to pick up my meds again.  This time, she was holding her infant daughter and zipping around the room.  I didn’t know what to say so I just kind of watched what was happening.  It was like she was present but not there mentally.  She took her daughter into the room to get her medicine (it’s done privately behind a door) and the nurse must’ve told her that she couldn’t have her daughter there because she walked out one second later.  She gave her daughter to another patient who looked confused but took the child while she disappeared into the room again.  He looked really confused and I heard him say, “I don’t know who she is”. 

I would’ve happily held her daughter if I had known that she was going to hand her to someone she didn’t know…...but she didn’t recognize me that day either.  The little girl looked a little freaked out too.  When she was done in the room, she flew out, grabbed the child and walked past the other people waiting as she asked for a cigarette from each one.  I saw her hop into a car with a few other people and I haven’t seen her since.  I don’t really know how I feel about it to be honest.  I purposely kept my distance from the beginning and now that she is struggling, I feel bad.  I’m not sure what happened in her life that led her back to using but I hope that she finds her way again.  I am fortunate enough to have overcome my addiction before I became a mom, but I know that it isn’t like that for everyone.  When I was in rehab years ago, I knew a lot of women that had children.  They would always talk about wanting to get clean for them and I understand it now.  I couldn’t before and I honestly didn’t care.  I do now.  I get to be a mom.  I get to be the most trusted and loved person in this tiny human’s life.  I get tiny kisses and dirty diapers because I stay clean.  It’s the greatest thing in the world to be a mom, it really is.  I don’t care if that sounds self righteous but it’s my reality…..better than a free bag, better than waking up from an overdose, better than all of those stupid things that I used to kill myself over.