The Jerk At The Clinic

 I have been working on taking care of myself and my mental health lately and I happily would like to report that I am much better and have a hopeful outlook on my life and my recovery.

I have been clean now for 4 years (still on methadone) and have transferred clinics.  It was a nerve wracking experience because I was worried that I was going to have to start over.  Having to go into a clinic every day and wait in line after taking your medicine at home is probably the worst fear that I've had in a long time.  In a way it kind of erases all of erases all of the progress that you have made.  I was told by the intake doctor that I was one of the few success stories that he has seen and instead of feeling pride.....I felt sad.  

I sat in an orientation class that was required by my new clinic and there was this guy in there that just kept saying things like "You are all going to be trapped here, methadone is legal heroin" and "Everyone that's on it is nodding out all day".  I wanted to sit there and keep to myself and just get through the next hour but the misinformation that he was giving everyone that was in this class was harmful.  I told him that he was completely wrong and that it's absolutely possible to live a productive life and to accomplish everything that you want.  You don't have to come to the clinic every day once you have a little bit of clean time and you certainly won't be falling asleep all day if you are at a therapeutic dose.  He wanted to argue with me and question why I was still there and I feel like by the end I was able to show him that the information that he was giving everyone was wrong.  

I am sad that so many people still think that people that take methadone are a certain way.  Some people are still getting high and are only taking it to stay out of withdrawal, this is true. (Notice how I said some people?"  That's what I did for five months.  Guess what else is true?

It is completely possible to have a successful life while taking a daily dose of methadone

You can graduate from college (I did!)

You can be a good parent

You can take your methadone at home if you just pass a few drug tests

You won't fall asleep all day.

You can regain the trust of your family that you have destroyed in your addiction

I wanted to write all about how I am overcoming a sugar addiction as well (thanks methadone!) but I guess I'll save that for another post.  I hope that everyone is having a wonderful New Year's Day and that they are getting the support that they need.  If you need additional support, my email is always open.  There is also a reddit group, (just search r/methadone) that has a huge group of people that can answer your questions about starting treatment or helping a loved one that is struggling.  There are also tons of articles about methadone maintenance and support groups on ZOOM now.  I'll link those too!

A Quick Update and a Relapse Story

 So, I just realized that it has been three months without an update and I feel really bad about it.  I am going to try to post twice a week for the rest of the month since the number of people reading has increased as well.  

Anyways, I hope that everyone is doing well during the pandemic.  I remember when the news broke about it, methadone message boards were flooded with panicked questions about what we will do when the clinics shut down.  I remembered talking to my husband about sending him to go find me some methadone so that I could function if martial law ever came about and the country went up in flames.  I feel like everyone has had some kind of doomsday conversation with their spouse at some point.  In all reality, I'd probably just be in for a hell of a bad time.  

On another less ominous note, I am weeks away from finishing my medical billing degree!  I never thought that I would be doing something so....boring?  I don't want to offend anyone who does this as a career because I will be too, but I just really can't seem to focus on anything in class.  It might not be as bad for other students but I'm convinced that years and years of IV drug abuse has ruined parts of my brain.  I have had trouble focusing and remembering things that I've read so I've really been struggling during this whole program.  I miss working on an ambulance but that was in another life.  

My one and only relapse took place about four weeks after I had quit using.  I was with my partner at the time (he's now my husband) and we went on an overdose call.  It was for a girl that had gotten high as she was getting ready to take a shower and was found by her mother.  She had gotten a nice hotel for her and her daughter that weekend.  Her mother had no idea that she was an addict.  The mom looked like my mom and the overdose girl looked like me ten years ago.  She even put together two shots for herself.  This was identical to many of my setups back in the day.  I would have two shots ready for myself, one before my bath and one after.  Looking back, it's a wonder that I never drowned in the bathtub.  I would shoot up sitting cross legged on the toilet in my towel and then go and basically take a nap in the tub.  Then, when I got woken up because I had been in there forever, I would do my other one.  

Anyways, we show up to this call and the girl is sitting on the toilet in a towel with the fire department ventilating her so that she can breathe and I'm looking at the loaded syringe on the bathroom counter.  I thought that I had been doing so well in my sobriety but seeing that girl being thrown back to life and then seeing that loaded syringe gave me the deepest sense of longing.  I know that it doesn't compare very well but imagine being on day two of a low carb diet and then having the world's most beautiful cheesecake set in front of you.  This cheesecake has white chocolate shavings and caramel drizzle and there is a huge serving fork waiting for you to dive in.  Now, imagine that feeling and multiply it by a thousand.  That was what caused me to relapse.  I wanted to be that girl feeling so marvelous and warm again, forgetting the years of hell that I just escaped.

So, I relapsed.  I used that very night.  When we left the call (the girl was fine, they gave her narcan and took her to the hospital), that was all that I thought about and my brain wasn't calm until I was sticking a needle in my arm in front of an ex boyfriend.  The joke was definitely on me because I had been on methadone for about five months at that point.  I believe that I was on about 90 milligrams and the opiate receptors in my brain were full from my medication, so when I shot up........I made myself tired.  It was the equivalent of taking a handful of Tylenol PM and taking a shower in the deepest guilt ever manufactured by some guy in Detroit.  It was not worth it.  

That night, I kept it a secret from the man that I loved and went on to marry.  I fell asleep next to him hoping that he didn't notice I was a little off.  I kept my secret for about a year until I broke down and told him.  He was sad and told me that he wished I felt safe enough to tell him back then.  All that I accomplished was self loathing.  That was the last time I used.....and that was four years ago next month.  

So yeah, I will happily take the monotony of medical billing over EMS any day.

Unpleasant Things.....

My husband and I discuss quite often the life that we will have when I am off of methadone.  Don't get me wrong, it's not like it is something that affects my daily life.  He takes me to the clinic once every two weeks and I pick up my medicine.  But sometimes ....I notice that I've been medicated for almost four years.

People that advocate for access, like myself, don't like to talk about the "bad parts".  They aren't really disclosed because: 

1. Addicts that walk into a methadone clinic most of the time don't care about most side effects, they are just happy to not chase a dealer around and to not be sick.

2.  The people writing out the side effects aren't patients.  They haven't experienced forgetting things and needing a nap for no reason....little things like that.

I wanted to make a list of all of the not-so-savory parts of being on maintenance medication, because hey....it's good for someone to say "I'm going through this too" right?

1.  First there is clinic life....sounds lovely right?  When I first got clean I had to go to this place, wait in line, and follow all of these rules.  I understand why these rules are in place, to teach accountability and whatnot, but when you've had almost 4 years clean....having to pee in front of someone for a monthly drug test is pretty grounding.  

2.  Being tired.  I have a lot going on in my life so this one is a little biased, but I know that I would definitely be less tired off of methadone.  Given, I would also be less tired if I didn't have a 2 month old baby, were breastfeeding, and if I slept through the night.  Also, my dose is too high and I'm waiting for the clinic to catch up with weight loss and metabolism changes.

3.  Sex drive.   Or lack thereof.   What is a sex drive?  I don't know, I forgot. I hate this side effect the most.

4.  Memory loss.  I have experienced so much of this and is secretly my main reason for wanting to be off.  My husband will want stories from my childhood and I can't give him any.  I forget about things that we've discussed the week prior. Things from before my methadone use are just hazy.   It doesn't affect my daily life like, "where did I leave my child?" But little details are just.....gone.

Will they come back? I hope so

5. Apathy.  A lot of people don't realize that they've become apathetic until some awful tragedy strikes and they're just sitting there, not crying or even really upset and they wonder what's wrong with them.  Nothing is wrong my friend, you are just simply medicated. 

Finally

6. Fear.  This is something that EVERYONE deals with at the clinic.  Will my insurance be cut off today?  Will I make it there on time?  Will I be flagged for some reason and my dose withheld?  Will that poppyseed bagel that I enjoyed at brunch last weekend cause me to fail a drug test?  The complete powerlessness that I've felt at times is unreal.  You can do everything right, pass every drug test, go to counseling, and be on good terms with the staff.......but if your insurance gets cut off and you don't have cash that day-I'm sorry, you're sick. Thank you come again. 

 I actually had the door shut in my face once when I was 8 months pregnant at 9:59.  I had raced to get there in a snowstorm and I ran up to the door and the receptionist closed it, clicked the lock, and smiled.  This was someone that I had said hello to every morning and genuinely asked about her life on a regular basis.  I was broken, shattered, faith in humanity=gone.  There were even people still in line on the other side of the door that were pointing and laughing at me.  I remember that event very well because the fear that I had from not being able to get my medicine that day smacked me in the face.  My boyfriend at the time had to witness a full on tantrum complete with tears and a whole lot of swearing.  Thankfully he was understanding and married me despite my episode.

I know that I've listed a lot of negative things here about methadone maintenance but in reality, I would not have gotten clean if this treatment option was not available to me.  I would not be a mother, a wife, and a productive member of society.  I'm not the only one either.  I have read countless stories of people that have gone from homeless to homeowner with friends and the trust of their family back.  You have to take the bad with the good I guess.  

I also wanted to add that I might have left off a few side effects and I might have included some that you don't experience at all.  I was simply just including the things that have affected me.  

Let me know if I've left anything out.

Until next time ❤