Unpleasant Things.....

My husband and I discuss quite often the life that we will have when I am off of methadone.  Don't get me wrong, it's not like it is something that affects my daily life.  He takes me to the clinic once every two weeks and I pick up my medicine.  But sometimes ....I notice that I've been medicated for almost four years.

People that advocate for access, like myself, don't like to talk about the "bad parts".  They aren't really disclosed because: 

1. Addicts that walk into a methadone clinic most of the time don't care about most side effects, they are just happy to not chase a dealer around and to not be sick.

2.  The people writing out the side effects aren't patients.  They haven't experienced forgetting things and needing a nap for no reason....little things like that.

I wanted to make a list of all of the not-so-savory parts of being on maintenance medication, because hey....it's good for someone to say "I'm going through this too" right?

1.  First there is clinic life....sounds lovely right?  When I first got clean I had to go to this place, wait in line, and follow all of these rules.  I understand why these rules are in place, to teach accountability and whatnot, but when you've had almost 4 years clean....having to pee in front of someone for a monthly drug test is pretty grounding.  

2.  Being tired.  I have a lot going on in my life so this one is a little biased, but I know that I would definitely be less tired off of methadone.  Given, I would also be less tired if I didn't have a 2 month old baby, were breastfeeding, and if I slept through the night.  Also, my dose is too high and I'm waiting for the clinic to catch up with weight loss and metabolism changes.

3.  Sex drive.   Or lack thereof.   What is a sex drive?  I don't know, I forgot. I hate this side effect the most.

4.  Memory loss.  I have experienced so much of this and is secretly my main reason for wanting to be off.  My husband will want stories from my childhood and I can't give him any.  I forget about things that we've discussed the week prior. Things from before my methadone use are just hazy.   It doesn't affect my daily life like, "where did I leave my child?" But little details are just.....gone.

Will they come back? I hope so

5. Apathy.  A lot of people don't realize that they've become apathetic until some awful tragedy strikes and they're just sitting there, not crying or even really upset and they wonder what's wrong with them.  Nothing is wrong my friend, you are just simply medicated. 

Finally

6. Fear.  This is something that EVERYONE deals with at the clinic.  Will my insurance be cut off today?  Will I make it there on time?  Will I be flagged for some reason and my dose withheld?  Will that poppyseed bagel that I enjoyed at brunch last weekend cause me to fail a drug test?  The complete powerlessness that I've felt at times is unreal.  You can do everything right, pass every drug test, go to counseling, and be on good terms with the staff.......but if your insurance gets cut off and you don't have cash that day-I'm sorry, you're sick. Thank you come again. 

 I actually had the door shut in my face once when I was 8 months pregnant at 9:59.  I had raced to get there in a snowstorm and I ran up to the door and the receptionist closed it, clicked the lock, and smiled.  This was someone that I had said hello to every morning and genuinely asked about her life on a regular basis.  I was broken, shattered, faith in humanity=gone.  There were even people still in line on the other side of the door that were pointing and laughing at me.  I remember that event very well because the fear that I had from not being able to get my medicine that day smacked me in the face.  My boyfriend at the time had to witness a full on tantrum complete with tears and a whole lot of swearing.  Thankfully he was understanding and married me despite my episode.

I know that I've listed a lot of negative things here about methadone maintenance but in reality, I would not have gotten clean if this treatment option was not available to me.  I would not be a mother, a wife, and a productive member of society.  I'm not the only one either.  I have read countless stories of people that have gone from homeless to homeowner with friends and the trust of their family back.  You have to take the bad with the good I guess.  

I also wanted to add that I might have left off a few side effects and I might have included some that you don't experience at all.  I was simply just including the things that have affected me.  

Let me know if I've left anything out.

Until next time ❤