6 Things I’ve Learned About Intimacy in Recovery

Intimacy to me is simply the ability to be close emotionally and/or physically with someone.  It’s really hard to be able to trust anyone when you’ve decided to stop using illicit drugs.  You’ve been living a life where you’ve used people for money or other things or you’ve been repeatedly used yourself.  These things are very hard to get over but you can start the healing process immediately once you’ve decided to stop using.  I’ve compiled a short list of things that I’ve learned that have helped me get close to another person and that have also helped me develop trust.

1.    It’s okay to be alone.  When you stop using, you probably have a collection of people that you got high with.  You might be in a relationship with someone that is still using or you might even have a child with this person.  YOUR SOBRIETY COMES FIRST.  These people have to go and it’s okay to be your own best friend for awhile.  Throw yourself into work, go feet first into a hobby, get involved in church.  If you are a parent, you already have someone to love you unconditionally and they should come first anyways. 

2.   Not everyone you meet in recovery is going to be good for yours.  When I first got clean, I flocked towards support groups with women that had similar experiences to myself.  I became really close with someone and I told her all of my secrets, worries, and fears.  We were as platonically close as people not having sex could be.  I ignored all of the red flags: my husband telling me she was untrustworthy, her getting upset if I talked to anyone else, needing to be in contact 24/7.  I later found out she had turned my secrets into gossip with other group members and I was the subject of lots of jokes.  She hadn’t gotten rid of her addict behaviors, a lot of us don’t because we don’t see them as problems.  When we meet others in recovery, all we might have in common with someone else is the history of using drugs.  You might not mesh with someone else’s morals or values and that’s okay.  We need to make sure that we are healed before we are good for someone else.

3.   Don’t change yourself for someone you like.  You might have met the most wonderful guy or girl.  They’re smart, kind, have a job----this is amazing right?  The only issue is that they really look down on people that use drugs or have a history like yours.  This happens a lot. People can be jaded by a bad experience with a drug addict.  Maybe they have a sibling that struggled or a friend that stole from them.  Realize that if this person is your soulmate, they will accept everything about you and love you for this.  If they demand that you get off of methadone or whatever maintenance drug you are on, that is an IMMEDIATE sign that they are not for you.  I might do a post like this addressing mixed relationships in the future but for now, just know that all of your experiences, rehab stays, bad decisions that you’ve made, and MAT meds are non-negotiables.  This brings me to number 4.

4.   Be honest about maintenance meds.  When I first met my now husband, he had to take me to the methadone clinic every day.  It was embarrassing and I was deeply ashamed at the time.  Maybe not on the first date, or even second, but by the time you are in an exclusive relationship, your significant other should know that you are on maintenance medication.  This is important because every successful relationship is built on honesty.  They don’t need to know how many milligrams you are on or how your drug test at the clinic went, but if they truly care about you, knowing that you take medication to keep you well is something that they will support.  If they simply can’t accept it or demand that you are off of it within a certain timeframe, then BYE.    

5.   Maintenance meds can KILL your sex drive and it’s okay.  Your significant other needs to know that one of the big side effects of MAT medications can be an extremely low sex drive.  Explain this to them and be patient with them when they get frustrated.  It’s easy to say, “They need to accept that I am on medication and I just have NO desire”.  While this is true, you also need to accept that your partner might have a normal sex drive.  Be creative if possible and make this person feel wanted in other ways.  Intimacy is created by closeness.  Hold hands, make their favorite dinner, find something crazy creative to make for them on Pinterest.  You should never do something physically that you don’t want to do.  This will create tons of resentment and can bring back memories of past trauma.  If your partner is on MAT medication, you both might be struggling to find physical intimacy.  Tell each other how much they are appreciated, find some alone time as often as you can, write a romantic text to them when they least expect it.  Everyone likes to feel wanted, even if you aren’t wanting to have sex.

6.   If you are both in recovery, find new hobbies together.  A lot of couples that used together and found recovery together get bored easily.  Nothing compares to the excitement of avoiding the police and going to go get your drugs with someone that you are in a relationship with.  When first getting clean, you might just look at the other person and have no idea what you had in common.  You might not have anything in common now and that’s something that you will have to decide based on your individual relationship.  If you do decide to stay together, you need to change the people you hang out with, the places you go to, and the habits you developed in your addiction.  Knowing that you stayed clean with the person you love at the end of the night and snuggling together can be the best thing in the world if you let it.  Find the little joys in life and share them together.