The Nurse with the Terrible Advice

I apologize in advance for this formatting, I've been doing a lot of posting from my phone and don't proofread like I should.

I have been thinking about something over the past couple of days and maybe if I write about it I'll be able to get some peace.  

In the fall of 2015 I was at a residential rehab facility for the second time.  I was homeless and that seemed like the best option.  Most residential programs start off with 5-7 days of detox and then they get moved to a different unit for about 20-30 days.  For the detox portion of the stay at this facility, you were made comfortable with suboxone and other medications.  On day 7 you were pretty much thrown into chaos.  You move your belongings into a dorm like situation with about a hundred other people and spend the remaining time there.  You aren't getting any kind or medication unless you came in on it.

When I was waiting to do my detox intake I would see people coming in and out of the adjoining building.  It turns out that the rehab also doubled as a methadone clinic.  I knew nothing about methadone and how it worked at this time but I learned that patients that were at this rehab would be receiving their methadone daily if they wanted to.  

I found it weird that some people would be getting this every day and others wouldn't.  I felt terrible that morning and had already been in detox for a few hours.  I was talking to a nurse that was assessing my withdrawal symptoms and I told her that I wanted to start taking methadone to help in my recovery.  This is how that interaction went

Me: This building dispenses methadone to people correct?  The girl in the next room took hers this morning and I would really like to start that too please.

Nurse (annoyed): Did you come in as a methadone patient?

Me: No, I came in addicted to heroin

Nurse: Well we don't start people on that here.  You would have had to be on it at the time of being admitted.  You don't want to be on that crap anyways.  You will have to take it every day and then you'll be addicted to that too.  

Me: So there's no way to start and become a patient so I can take it throughout my stay here?  I don't mind having to take it every day and I am supposed to meet with the doctor later today.

Nurse: No, that's not going to happen.  You don't want that addiction too.

I stayed in detox for 5 more days and then spent the following three weeks in the residential unit.  Once I left I relapsed and had the worst year of my life.  I was living in a car and getting high every day, slowly deteriorating into a shell of who I used to be.  I did some things that I still have nightmares about and that I can't even talk about in therapy.  

Had I been able to access the maintenance medication that I needed at that time, I could have been spared much of the heartache that I experienced that winter. If the nurse had been encouraging and open minded about an available form of treatment things might have been different for me.  

Is it her fault that I continued to get high once I left? Absolutely not. Those were all my choices.  I made them and I am responsible for the damage that I caused as a result of those choices.  What she did do though, was let her own personal bias get in the way of treating her patients.  How many other people has she steered away from this life saving medication?  Does she realize how much methadone has helped people historically to regain control of their lives?  She didn't give me that option. 

 There are so many others out there that think like that too.  Methadone clinics are sometimes referred to as "legal dope houses".  This makes us all look bad.  The people with these opinions don't see the mother drinking her coffee, nursing her baby, and paying her electric bill.  They see the underweight addict rocking back and forth in line outside of the clinic.  I am/was both of those people at one time in my life.  There needs to be a change in the perception of people on MMT and it needs to start with our healthcare providers.  There is no room for bias and judgements for people that are just trying to survive and regain control of their lives.

I'm sure glad that I never took her advice.  

Unpleasant Things.....

My husband and I discuss quite often the life that we will have when I am off of methadone.  Don't get me wrong, it's not like it is something that affects my daily life.  He takes me to the clinic once every two weeks and I pick up my medicine.  But sometimes ....I notice that I've been medicated for almost four years.

People that advocate for access, like myself, don't like to talk about the "bad parts".  They aren't really disclosed because: 

1. Addicts that walk into a methadone clinic most of the time don't care about most side effects, they are just happy to not chase a dealer around and to not be sick.

2.  The people writing out the side effects aren't patients.  They haven't experienced forgetting things and needing a nap for no reason....little things like that.

I wanted to make a list of all of the not-so-savory parts of being on maintenance medication, because hey....it's good for someone to say "I'm going through this too" right?

1.  First there is clinic life....sounds lovely right?  When I first got clean I had to go to this place, wait in line, and follow all of these rules.  I understand why these rules are in place, to teach accountability and whatnot, but when you've had almost 4 years clean....having to pee in front of someone for a monthly drug test is pretty grounding.  

2.  Being tired.  I have a lot going on in my life so this one is a little biased, but I know that I would definitely be less tired off of methadone.  Given, I would also be less tired if I didn't have a 2 month old baby, were breastfeeding, and if I slept through the night.  Also, my dose is too high and I'm waiting for the clinic to catch up with weight loss and metabolism changes.

3.  Sex drive.   Or lack thereof.   What is a sex drive?  I don't know, I forgot. I hate this side effect the most.

4.  Memory loss.  I have experienced so much of this and is secretly my main reason for wanting to be off.  My husband will want stories from my childhood and I can't give him any.  I forget about things that we've discussed the week prior. Things from before my methadone use are just hazy.   It doesn't affect my daily life like, "where did I leave my child?" But little details are just.....gone.

Will they come back? I hope so

5. Apathy.  A lot of people don't realize that they've become apathetic until some awful tragedy strikes and they're just sitting there, not crying or even really upset and they wonder what's wrong with them.  Nothing is wrong my friend, you are just simply medicated. 

Finally

6. Fear.  This is something that EVERYONE deals with at the clinic.  Will my insurance be cut off today?  Will I make it there on time?  Will I be flagged for some reason and my dose withheld?  Will that poppyseed bagel that I enjoyed at brunch last weekend cause me to fail a drug test?  The complete powerlessness that I've felt at times is unreal.  You can do everything right, pass every drug test, go to counseling, and be on good terms with the staff.......but if your insurance gets cut off and you don't have cash that day-I'm sorry, you're sick. Thank you come again. 

 I actually had the door shut in my face once when I was 8 months pregnant at 9:59.  I had raced to get there in a snowstorm and I ran up to the door and the receptionist closed it, clicked the lock, and smiled.  This was someone that I had said hello to every morning and genuinely asked about her life on a regular basis.  I was broken, shattered, faith in humanity=gone.  There were even people still in line on the other side of the door that were pointing and laughing at me.  I remember that event very well because the fear that I had from not being able to get my medicine that day smacked me in the face.  My boyfriend at the time had to witness a full on tantrum complete with tears and a whole lot of swearing.  Thankfully he was understanding and married me despite my episode.

I know that I've listed a lot of negative things here about methadone maintenance but in reality, I would not have gotten clean if this treatment option was not available to me.  I would not be a mother, a wife, and a productive member of society.  I'm not the only one either.  I have read countless stories of people that have gone from homeless to homeowner with friends and the trust of their family back.  You have to take the bad with the good I guess.  

I also wanted to add that I might have left off a few side effects and I might have included some that you don't experience at all.  I was simply just including the things that have affected me.  

Let me know if I've left anything out.

Until next time ❤

A Super Long Overdue Update

I am attempting to do an entry on my phone but it's proving to be quite difficult for someone who's not so technically versed.

Hell, I can't even get my comments to work. 

Anyways, some pretty amazing things have happened.  For one, I had my baby!  I really thought that I could never ever love anyone like I love my toddler but I am completely captivated by this 10lb fat potato man.  Babies are so weird.  They are so fat and squishy and happy and you just want to do everything you can to protect them.  It's a COMPLETELY different kind of love.

I wrote about my "Methadone Pregnancy" on The Fix with my first child but decided to keep this one a little more private.  It's not easy going into an OBGYN's office and talking to them about the addictive medication that you are STILL taking and that you decided to stay on it and have another child.  There's tons of judgement....TONS.  

Nobody was outwardly rude or anything to me except for one occasion and I can't get it out of my head.  Picture this:

I am on the hospital bed in the delivery room with my husband at my side and I'm scared because I'm not really sure when to push.  There are a million people in the room because I chose to give birth at a teaching hospital.  Three big pushes and a sweet messy baby is placed on my chest.  I am in the most euphoric state looking down at this perfect human that we made.  The moment is perfect. A resident doctor comes up to me, leans over me holding little human and says, "What are you doing for birth control??"  Seriously.....moments after I had a baby.  The last thing on my mind was what manner of contraception I was planning to use.

Now, I'm not sure if she had one job and was super excited to execute it.  I'm not sure if she wanted to make sure that this former drug addict on methadone didn't have any more babies.  I'm not sure if she was just completely tactless but with a good heart.  I do know that this moment has stuck with me.  Now there is this sadness associated with his delivery.

Maybe I am overreacting but I really dont think so....especially because she came back and asked me again once we were settled.  D'oh.  Nice work lady.

I will say though that Baby Boy got and I got to go home two days after he arrived and he didn't have any withdrawal symptoms.  He did not have any need for medication and didn't spend any time in the NICU either.  I braced for the worst, I really did.  I had to stay an extra day though because I wouldnt stop bleeding and needed a transfusion.  I'll write all about that in my next post though because I'm starting to ramble.  

As an obligatory note,  I will say that I had no issues whatsoever receiving my methadone in the hospital.  The doctor looked at one of my bottles and put in the order, that was it really.  I also recieved buttloads of fentanyl through my epidural for my procedure after delivery which did not change my status at the clinic.  I just brought my paperwork stating that I had been given narcotics with me to nullify a failed drug test.

If there are any questions regarding my delivery or if you are looking for resources please email me.  I know that this blog is getting more views so I should really figure out how to fix my comments.

Until next time ❤❤❤