Thursday, September 24, 2020

An Overdose Story and Some Perspective

    I was scrolling through one of my favorite dark reality-type subs today on Reddit and I came across a picture of Lil Peep after he had overdosed.  I really have always liked reading things revolving around true crime and the untimely deaths of young and beautiful people.  I know that I’m not among the minority (maybe the minority that admits it) of people that are fascinated by tragedy, there are tons of others that look up details to famous murders and tragic overdoses.  It’s not something I’m super proud of but it’s interesting and sad at the same time.  Anyways, I saw this picture of him and read the comments of others that were sharing either their own personal stories of overdosing or someone close to them.  I wanted to share mine.  I’ve never thought about that day from start to finish because there is so much shame associated with it.  I’ve assisted in overdose reversal when I was an EMT and when I was in my addiction.  This is my story….who knows, maybe it’ll be therapeutic for me.


This was over five years ago and I had been dating my addict boyfriend for about a week.  I really thought that I liked him.  He was new to heroin addiction and still needed me to shoot him up.  We drove down to the city to pick up our dope and then waited until we were in the safety of his brother’s basement to get high.  This was early in my addiction when I was able to wait for a safe place.  Less than three months after this I would be parking on the next street in front of someone’s home to get high.  I can’t count the number of times that I would look up and see an angry man running up to my car because he didn’t want me shooting up in front of his home.  I was a dirtbag, ick.  My boyfriend and I had each bought two bags.  From previous experience, this dealer had some really great heroin and I was excited to get high that day.  I was always excited to get high but this time everything seemed to go perfectly.  Bags in hand, we flew down the stairs to the basement where euphoria awaited us.  

He had to wait for me to do my shot before I would get around to his.  I set up my things and pulled about 25ml of dark brown liquid out of the piece of cotton and into my syringe.  I barely remember the process because this was all done more quickly than usual.  I scanned my arm and found a big vein in the crook of it.  Less than a month later, these veins were completely unusable, but not that day.  I pushed the plunger down and let the heroin take me over instantly-I had warm pins and needles in my body and everything became hazy.3





.  I knew that I was in trouble and I didn’t care.  I walked over to the coffee table where my boyfriend was waiting for me and I remember saying, “This dope is really good”.  And then I felt myself falling….but I didn’t care.  And then I was gone.


I woke up to the confederate flag looking down at me.  My boyfriend had different terrible and offensive flags across the ceiling and after my brush with death this is this first thing that I saw.  I felt icy.  I felt devoid of something but I didn’t know what.  I had no idea what had happened or why I was looking at this flag.  I didn’t even know what this flag meant.  There were firefighters around me.  There were police there too.  I was attached to a heart monitor and had an IV connected to the vein that I had just used.  My memory of who I was and why I was there was just gone.  Temporary memory loss is something that happens when you overdose even though it doesn’t happen to everyone.  I was scared but I was still high so I didn’t really care that I was confused.  After what felt like an eternity, I was taken out of the basement on a stretcher.  I was gloriously wheeled past what appeared to be the entire police department and a concerned looking guy that I recognized to be my boyfriend.  The whole drive to the hospital I spoke with the EMT about how I was sure that my boyfriend would break up with me.  She didn’t have much sympathy for me.  To rush to the end of the story I was discharged two hours later and my boyfriend didn’t break up with me.  He probably should have but we continued to use together for almost another year.


I know that some overdose stories are more tragic and entertaining but this is a huge event that I keep thinking about lately.  Had my boyfriend at that time not called for help, I would just simply not exist.  Far too often when someone overdoses, the person will just be left or dumped somewhere.  He could have chosen to save me because the junkie life was new to him as well.  Basic human decency still existed apparently.  I look at my 3 year old with his feet under his little butt as he carefully dips his chicken nugget in ketchup and I am just in complete awe….my awful decisions and near death experiences played a part in designing the beautiful life that I have now.  


I look back at some of the decisions that I made and am confused how I made it out of there alive.  I have a gorgeous husband that worships me and is a kind and considerate human, a little boy that just wants to play and eat fruit snacks, and a baby that won’t let anyone else hold him.  I try to think about that stupid racist flag whenever I get annoyed with one of my children for wanting to climb on me or touch me when I’m trying to work on something.  I think about how close I was to not existing anywhere but as a memory. 

1 comment:

  1. Actually what CAUSED you relapse was the fact that YOU PICKED UP! Sure you cravings and temptation and was put in a bad situation for some in such early recovery. But the one thing that WE CAN CONTROL is our lives is our reactions and our behaviors. YOU PICKED UP. Tgere were so many other options. Of course it was hard. But as an addict I had to stop playing the victim. I had to get tired of my own bullshit and take responsibility for myself. That situation was just that. A situation. It dudnt travel with me and put that drug in my hand. I did that. And until I started realizing that I do have control of my reactions, I played the blame card every single round.

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